GREAT!!!  Okay,   I am seriously contemplating switching schools.  Today and yesterday have probably been two of the most consecutively nerve racking days of my life.  Last night I thought it would be funny to joke with some of my friends in the hall about a small town called Lockport here in kentucky.  Accordingly, black people haven't been around that town since the 1960s.  This could possibly be because the whole 5 mile town is racist.  When you have a creek called Nigger hole (where they supposedly lynched and threw black folkz into the creek) there's probably a race issue.  Plus the grocery store has a sign that says no niggers...yeah..

But anyway, I told them me and some of my black firends here should go there for a visit.  Needless to say the dumb asses got scared that i was serious and went to jemaar and told him "he should talk to his boy". So jemaar comes in and asks me why i thought a town like that was funny. Duh, somethin so surprising strikes me as hillarious, hence I joke about it.  He seems to think that wasn't very socially graceful.  So i had to remind him of the fact that just because people gravitate towards you, doesn't mean u have social grace, it means ur charismatic.  He went off on his normal bullshit reasoning factor and I just cut the arguement.  Basically, I was and still am pissed because he and others seem to hold him accountable for me.  DAMNIT IM A 19 YEAR OLD MAN, A 26 YEAR OLD IS NOT ACCOUNTALE FOR ME BY ANY MEANS, SO DON'T COME TO ME ABOUT SH*T IF U THINK I HAVE AN ISSUE, THINK TWICE.   

And today after arriving to practice late (and therefore having to skip the swimming workout) i sat in the locker room waiting for everyone else to come down to get ready for the weight lifting, when Brent (the biggest Ass from Cincy I've ever met) comes down and notifies me my run in with the law  is in th school newpaper...great. i had a better time keepin crap from folkz at the brown than here.

Finally..

 Over the break it hit me; why do I try so hard and yet so little gets done to solve my problems. And then While I was sitting on my bed one night it hit me, quick and stunningly...I have completely forgotten to do theings God's Way.  For years I have struggled with the fact that I've always been taught that If I don't do things God's way, it doesn't matter because it won't work out anyway. I tried to protest this fact and I was wrong; no matter how smart, stylish, smoother or inventive u are, you will not exceed if it isn't pleasing to God.

I cant run or concentrate to my fullest extention normally because im up all night lustin over women, or partying/drinking.  And i have been so wrong not realize God's words upon such subject, I mean they do have PERFECTLY applicable reasoning.  If my minds wandering upon sinful subjects while I'm supposed to be resting for the night, i can't so things that require sleep from the night before during the day.  And if I'm drinking Im not doing anything except making myself look like ann ass; the one thing I do not want to do. Sure, im talking more; especially tot he opposite sex, but boy do the wordz im saying sound odd, or simply slurred....actually now that i think about it i speak clearly when drunk, but that isn't the point.

And for years I've also feared what my mom and dad have told me which is "Theres a woman out there for you Rob".  I always figured how the heck can that be; there just can't be a person waiting out there for my someowhere on the planet.  Until the other night I never noticed that as long as i go looking myself I'm not going to find anything, in fact I'll just keep making it worse..for the girl because they really aren't interested in me and im still pursuing, or for myself cause i realize how dumb it was and I gotta live with the memories of my actions.  But now i understand that as long as i keep myself busy and concentrate on the major things (my training, my studies and my spiritual development) I wont have to worry about going after the wrong woman; in fact fact I'd be more like to find a gal since i'd take the time to study her attraction if it's present instead of rushing in.

And as far as my spiritual development, which directly coincides with my own social development; it hit me, the reason i can't seem to find a gal has nothin to do with m race or body, but my irradic and incongruent wa of thinking.  To tell you guys the truth, Im not ready for a relationship because I really am odd.  But Its not like I'm naturally odd, its because of person issues that i gotta solve first. I dont talk about important issues or keep up conversation very well excpet for a few common subjects due to a large lack of trust in people.  And I haven't yet mastered being me yet. I'm easily swayed into making the wrong descions that could easily be avoided if I didn't consider the thoughts of others so openly.

So now that I understand whats going on its time to hop on the program. Im tired of being angry, or lonely, or strangely hostile for reasons i don't even understand myself. Its God's time to control my life

Currently Listening Late Registration By Kanye West Heard 'Em Say see related

 Iam so confused right now ya'll. When I originally intended to write this entry i had one thing in mind, then I talked to someone and the intention of the entry change.  Tonite I watched one of the guys on my floor debate whether or not he should go upstairs and beat the brakes of a girl upstairs or not. Now, keep in mind this is Joel, the same guy who would jealously kick the crap out of any guy who eyes his girlfriend. And no, the girl upstairs is not his girlfriend.

Now, for the past week I've debated with myself on whether good guys really get what they deserve or not in life, or whether girls just want asses. And tonite while i watched Joel question whether or not to hump some random girl who has an infatuation with him (it seems every other girl in the dorm does) something hit me.  But lets go back a few hours. 

Last night I decided to let back a bit and have a drink (Blue rasberry Mad Dog if you must know).  So after finishing off a bottle of Mad Dog (its 26% alcohol content) I chilled with the other guys on the floor (the whole floor was boozing basically). But i only got tipsy for about an hour, then i went to sleep, and was awakened by Joel putting some chics in my room. I woke up sober, and luckily my drunk roomate got the girls out (no, they weren't friendly or attractive), so I headed upstairs to the 16th floor with Joel and my roomate John. I chilled the girls on the 16th floor for a few hours (all of which were sobering up from boozing) and Joel and John eventually left.

Now, when Joel left and didn't come back one of the girls got ticked at him because he wouldn't come back up and do her(and no, this isn't the same one he was debating on humping or not tonite).  So once again Joel has suggested doin the nasty with a girl and never mention his beloved girlfriend.  But what surprised me is how badly and bluntly the girl put the fact that she wanted him to hump her. I've honestly never heard a female say "Why won't that guy take advantage of an easy piece of ass".

And tonite while Joel was debating whether or not to do the girl on the 12th floor it hit me as Jemaar was on the phone with the girl convincing her she should let him Joel hit it; this girl wants joel purely for raw, raunchy, sweaty sex...damn.  For years now I've wondered why i can't seem to find any girls to have a relationship with other than friendship. But it hit me tonite, in the process, even if i wanna get noticed for my personality, the first thing they are gonna notice is how I look and what I'm doing.

Sure, this is an obvious fact to most of you guys out there, but think about it, thats how it all starts, people want attractive mates with intersting personality. They aren't looking for that brain of your or that deeper human or things they ahve in common, they want that body, the masculine actions we show further the program along. You cant see a person's mind so these are the most obvious two things apparent a first.  So to shorten my point, people are shallow. So why look for anything deeper?

Sure, if you wanna take the time to get to know a person, thats all well and good; but that takes time.  The first thing people want is that animalistc sex appeal; cause even if you get to know them, your gonna want to get to know that body of theirs better quite soon.  I used to think chics who did guys either after a few dates or a few months of going out were ho's.  But i noticed today that this isn't true, you're just following whats going naturally, fulfilling those hot desires.  I didn't however say i want them anywhere near me. The thought of working so hard on my mind and chracter and finding out its rather useless to a point enrages me.  But I accept the fact i'll jsut have to switch my concentration and expend a little more energy on training my muscles a bit more than my neural stimulation.

But right before i w wrote this, Amanda's sister wrote me a short note with a section  about Amanda and I showing me that it is possible girls might be attracted by a guyz character (okay, I'm sure i'm not that bad looking, but she hasnt seen me without cloth.., no wait she has, but not that much). So at the moment, I am so confused on whether girls are simpistic in manner or not.  Feel free to comment if u wish.

Currently Listening Late Registration By Kanye West Gold Digger see related

All Right Ya'll. You wanted a new Xanga, you're gonna get one. its time I wrote down my true thoughts for the first time this summer. Its about time for some release, cause other than Dev and Keith (who i still doubt they understand), there arent too many other people I trust my ideas too; why, cause most of ya'll just aren't ready.

From the day of may 10th I set myself into summer mode.  A thought pattern of relaxation and change in my sweet home of Louisville.  From the moment I croosed the metro Louisville line I realized I had just left a major part of my life down in Richmond.

I had no more papers to write (or so i thought), no more rednecks to reason with (once again, or so i thought), and most of all no more flippant women to argue with or feel alienated by (this can work two ways).  A week after returning home I was back at work with Paula York Inc. as a temp at the Papa Johns printing company.  It takes me a few days to get back into the physical labor groove, but then people wanted production, and quick!

I was stuck working with a limpin old guy named Roy. I had to quickly load paper onto a machine until a scale read 30 pounds of weight, then i moved the paer over to Roy's section, a cutter. (ya know those long coupons they stick on top of the Papa Johns Pizza boxes, thats what he was cutting out).  It took me a while to get used to it because they ahve to stack perfectly straight in order for the cutter to make clean cuts. i was also sent to do other hand jobs (like filling boxes with car ads), but i sucked at those. So i was sent outta there after about 2 weeks. 

next I was sent to a steel plant near the Outter loop. i had to be there by six and I had to catch tghe bus there which meant getting up at 4:30. This sucked madly. While there it hit me, most of these people will be doing this for the rest of their lives. Can u even call a job like this a career? I call them monkey jobs because they're so simple and repetitive. since all this was happening about 3 weeks after school ended, all I could think about was Amanda. I could have called her, but i didnt wanna either bother her at work or take chances of her dad suspecting anything.

I had some whacked out dream of  saving up cash over the summer and takin her out on a date when we came back for fall. That was until I started paying my mom money every week (which i still think is bs). Eventually I began doubting that she could possibly go a whole summer in Grant county without guys; I mean iknow its a small town, but damn. 

  Eventually precision gt tired of me coming in exactly 1 minute late every day(it was arrive late or come in an hour early (5:00 am)), so they told paula york to send me elsewhere. I got tired of going without work, so I signed up to two more companies, but spherion sent me somewhere first.  I was sent to UPS's supply chain site. While there I was trained to use a cherry picker ( a type of elevating forklift). That was actually fun, then i was sent to work for the Hewlitt packard section of the same building. talk about boring.

  By this part of my summer (which was basically earlier this month and late july) I began to question what type of gals im really attracted to, and what type of girls would be attracted to me.  And it hit me, a gal would have to be nutz to like me! I'm no where near the mark of "normal". Not only that, my general demeanor is quite confusing to anyone. Im smart but I hate to act the least cocky, so im overly humble which makes me look like i am never in control.

  I eventually realized i look way too much into things, Most gals dont want relatioships, just fun. but at the same time, i had to question why do i want a lady so much? Is it because i se so many others with relationships (that normally have serious issues I might add?). I dunno. but at the moment i cant stand to see folks in relationships because at the moment I honestly believe theres no way i can fine a normal one of my own. And i hate dealing with those in relationships because im treated like im just the guy who'll always be there (if you've got problems, leave them to yourslef, I can't help you,b ut if u have a mate, why dont THEY FRIGGIN HELP U!!!). Well the truth is i won't. The moment I meet the right person I'm outta most folks lives instantly.  i seriously mean that. or if i just get tired of you.

 As for the subject of my identity, I became very laxed with other black people for once. but today, i once again realized why most blacl people make me slightly nervous; because they always question whyi am who and what i am. Im sure white folks would do the same to other white folks, but im not them am I. 

Lately ive been chilling out to Kanye West, Common and Johnny legend. Kanye keeps it real. from his style of clothing (not preppy, not ghetto), to his lyrics; especially those about self-consciousness.  Basically he represents the part of me that sayz chill out Rob, let things be as theya re, and if u dont like the way things are, change your surroundings cause folks won't change.

-Till Later